Death Of My Twin Son, Tanner

My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child. It is difficult to lose our loved ones, regardless of how old they are, but losing a child is really devastating, even when you believe in God and the Afterlife. I have never gotten angry at God for calling Tanner to his Heavenly Home. I figured, God has HIS reasons. God is perfect. HE doesn't make mistakes. Someday, I will understand HIS reasons.

Starting at the age of 11, I felt so uncomfortable during the entire month of March. I felt so uneasy. I could sense that something traumatic would happen to me, in the month of March. I didn't know what year, nor what day, I would experience this tragedy. This intuitive feeling stayed with me for many years.

On January 23, 2003, I gave birth to twin boys. I have always had easy pregnancies before, but with my twin boys, my one twin son's sac had too much water. I developed polyhydramnios. I went into premature labor. My boys were born at 25.2 weeks. They only weighed 1 lb. each. My one son, Tyler, was in the hospital for 8 months before he came home. My other son, Tanner, was in the hospital for over a year. I had nursing care for both boys when they came home. Even though I had nurses, I still had to be trained by the Children's Hospital Staff, to take care of my special needs children. My son, Tanner, was trached and vented for the first two years of his life. I learned how to take care of Tanner with his trache. Both of my boys had feeding tubes placed in their stomachs. I had learned how to feed them with the feeding tube.

One of the days, I didn't have nurses, Tyler was taking a nap in his bed. I brought my son, Tanner, who was awake, into my bed. My twins were 3 years old at the time. Tanner dozed back off to sleep. All of a sudden, his entire body started to tremble. It looked like Tanner had a seizure. He stopped breathing. I remember calling 911 and the EMTs arriving and trying to revive Tanner. They transported Tanner to the hospital. I could not go with Tanner, since I had no one to watch Tyler. The rest of the day is a blur. I don't remember anything else on that tragic day. My son Tanner died in March. I do remember saying to myself, " This must be the tragic event that I had an intuitive feeling about for many years " . I had also captured a picture of Spirits, prior to Tanner's passing. I believe the Spirits were giving me a warning about Tanner's impending death. At Tanner's funeral, I was too emotional to speak. Before his service started, I was sitting with my other family members. When the service started, I pulled my chair up to my son's open casket and held his hand for the entire service. I kept my eyes glued on Tanner's face for the entire service. I cried the whole time. After the service was over, walking away from Tanner, was so difficult and heartbreaking. Tanner had a brain bleed at birth, from being born too soon. His area of the brain that controls his breathing was starting to shrink. Tanner had atrophy of the brain. One second he was breathing. The next second Tanner stopped breathing. Tanner was such a vibrant child, even with his medical issues.

On another blog, on here, I wrote about how I repeatedly asked for a sign from the Spirit World, that my son Tanner was ok. I had asked this on the evening, after my son's funeral service. My Mom and my Aunt came over to my place, after the service. My Mom was asleep in the chair. I was restless. My Aunt listened to me continue to ask the Spirits, to show me a sign, that Tanner was ok. After asking this insistently for a while, at 12 midnight, my lights went out. We learned that my Mom's lights went out as well. She lived next door to me at that time. Our lights stayed out from 12 midnight to 3 am. I called the electric company. They couldn't explain why we didn't have electric. I was shocked to learn that all the other homes in our development never lost their electric! I enthusiastically shouted, " Tanner is ok! " That was my sign from the Spirits!!! I felt a strong presence. My Mom woke up to hear me laughing hysterically. Both my Mom and Aunt were stunned. The Spirits were trying to comfort me through my grief and sorrow.

I am so thankful that Tanner's Spirit does appear to me. I know that Tanner watches over his brother and our entire family. We love Tanner so much. Tanner only learned one word and that was " Mom " . Hearing Tanner call me " Mom " , was a very special moment for me. Tanner was like an old soul. He loved opera.

Here is a picture of Tanner, on Groundhog's Day, one month before his sudden passing. He was and still is a happy boy.